"God himself has dictated how thou shall approach the fracture surgically."

"Don't look, but the tibia is doing some pretty funky things."

"If we humans have one leg shorter, it's a big deal for us-- a falling over deal."

"They can't get through the hole, because, well, there's a hole! Poor buggers."

"You can sink yourself in reproduction, but I don't recommend it."

"Men, our sperm output is pathetic. Rabbits are better than us! Oh, except me, I'm a Kiwi..."

"If you were to palpate this stallion, and he only had one testicle, well, that would be bad."

"Messenger RNA... Gonadotrophins... Oh, everybody's gone to sleep."

"Well, if the male went 'tee ta tee ta tee ta' that was a much better male, and if he went 'tee ta tee ta tee ta tee ta', that was the one to pay attention to... You'd better believe that the female lizards are counting along with you."

"So think of pheromones and vocalisation as the perfume and soft music of the animal world.."

"...and this makes sense, considering what the penis is used for."

"So, the cow is 200 years pregnant, and... wait..."

"They'll have a deeper bark or miaow, and display testosterone-related antisocial behaviour, like territorial marking, fighting after the pubs close, etcetera..."

"She will try, and I quote, 'to kick his bloody head off'."

"Twins are baaad... very bad... super extra bad."

"You should treat your flora with great respect. Scrubbing is fine, but if you go to the jungle you will regret your hygiene."

"Whenever I drift off and start talking about whales, I could (almost) be talking about cows."

"But in mammals... mammals... even that word, maaaaahhhh-muuuuhhhlll..."

"In practice, the only animal you will not be required to work on is the species sitting next to you."

"You, it's like a sperm bank. In your vagina."

"And you lay your egg when YOU want to..."

"And while he's giving her the eye, he's also producing sperm. Lots of it."

"This is the reason horses have such lovely round bottoms."

"Now I think that first farrier should be made to wear shoes two sizes too small, and that are the wrong shape, twenty-four hours a day, and made to run around carrying a rider."


"If something gets down there, it's a real sort of problem. A death sort of problem."

"It's a very very acid, a burny burny acid!"

"In our body, we have magic fairy liquid! It's called bile acids!"

"This is ludicrously simple..."

"And on the anal side, there will be some exciting neurons."

"Gap junctions allow for rapid communication, like 'Oh my goodness me, she's just eaten a large cream cake."

"I don't know where your soul is, but... your duodenum is quite clever."

"The liver... where food becomes you!"

"So let's say you find a strange new species while you're on your honeymoon in Borneo, and you decide to do a postmortem on it... of course you'd do a postmortem on your honeymoon; you're that kind of person."

"...fermentation rat... no, mat... no, vat! Fermentation vat!"

"If an owner has vaccinated their dog against distemper, and and then they bring their dog in and it's contracted distemper, the very last thing they want you to do is to expound about lognormal distribution of antibody titers, even if you do it beautifully."

"We are different from medical practice in that we eat our patients... tha' is no' so common in human medicine."

"You have to be careful with how you use statistics. Remember that, according to statistics, each person has an average of on ovary and one testicle."

"We use dissection on dead animals because... well, because it's not very nice to use dissection on live animals. But hopefully most of the animals you will be treating in practice will be live ones."

"Okay, when I give a euthanasia consult, it goes like this: 'I'm very sorry to tell you this, but Sammy's treatments aren't working, blah blah, I think it's time to let him go, this is what I would do if I were you, blah blah blah, so I think it's time for him to DIE. So what we'll do is the nurse will come in and hold Sammy; she'll hold onto his front right leg and I'll clip a little bit of hair off. Then, I'll introduce the needle into his vein, and I'll inject an anaesthetic solution. Then Sammy will get very sleepy and he'll stop breathing and his heart will stop and he'll have DIED. Then I'll pull out my stethoscope and make sure he's DEAD. He may gasp a bit, or wee, or mess himself, but don't worry, he's DEAD.'

Yeah, it's important that you say 'death' or 'dead' or 'die' at least two or three times. Your clients won't like it, but you need to make sure they know which decision they're making."

"If the heart was so important, there'd be two of them."

"We really need to make sure the feng shui of the cell is in balance."

"Those sexy little cells over there are gametes..."

(to student with a feather pen) “I wondered what the hell you were doing up there... I thought you were dusting while I was doing the lecture.”

"Hmm, I'm a sheep and I think I'm being suffocated... I think maybe I'll just go ahead and piss myself."


Prof: "What are you all doing after this lecture?"
Student: "Sheep wrangling."
Prof, clearly taken aback: "Sheep WHAT?!?!? That's illegal here!... Oy, the cold winter nights must just fly by over in the U.S."


"This man is completely nuts! He developed PCR technique while on acid after he divorced his 4th wife! You should really check out his autobiography."

"Now, the nucleus is quite nice and snuggly compared to the harsh, cold world of the cytoplasm..."

"You see all these special diets for old horses. But you don't need special diets for old horses, all you need is one little bullet."

"Italian rye grass is hairy... as you might expect..."

"England is a beautiful area. The trouble is, it's full of ugly people!"

"Here we can see that the bones are more dense than the heart."

"Pigs and I get along just fine."

Since I don't yet have the professors' assent to post their words, these will have to remain anonymous for now.